Amber

"Amber. I like that name for a girl." Gasp. My husband is thinking about baby names. I want kids so badly. It feels like I'm living a stunted life without them. But after years of having sex with zero protection, and having zero children as a result, I'm starting to think that my first opportunity was my only opportunity... and I gave it all away.

There are times when I don't regret giving her a new life. Like when I'm riding an ATV and jumping mounds at full speed along the beach in Mazatlan, acting 23 when I'm 33, or when I'm having a bad day and I can't pay attention to my dogs much less think of paying attention to a child. It's two ends of the spectrum, one that I envisioned when I made my decision and one that I never foresaw as the emotional consequence - six years down the road.

Then there are days like Halloween, where we are playing with our friends kids and all I can think about is how cool it would be to take her trick or treating or throw a Halloween party with a ton of kids. I think of how amazing it would be to see her grow up, to develop her own thoughts and opinions about the world and observe, first hand, what my influence had to do with it.

One thing is certain. For me, the birth of my next child will be life changing. How the birth of my first will affect that, only time will tell.